As a little girl, I remember dreaming about one day becoming a mother. I wondered what my child would look like, if I would have a son or daughter first, how many children I would have, and whom would I have children with. It was as if I was meant to become a mother because it’s all I’ve ever dreamt of. What I didn’t anticipate was the journey to motherhood. How could something I knew I was destined to become feel so far away, and I felt as if I would never see my dreams come true.
When Michael and I decided to start trying for a baby two years ago we had no clue the journey we were about to embark on. Things were pretty much falling into place for us. We got married, I had my dream job as a T.V news reporter, we had a place to live, we had a beautiful wedding, and we were so happy enjoying our first couple of years of marriage. Then baby fever set in bad. Like REAL bad lol. I wanted a baby instantly pretty much. We talked it out and decided to start trying at the beginning of the year 2015. I had been on birth control for two years, got off of them in May and by June we were pregnant. I thought, “Wow, this is so easy! We got pregnant fast!” The moment I saw those two pink little lines on the pregnancy test I fell in love. I thought about all the dreams and wondering I did as a little girl and the moment was finally here! What made it feel even more amazing was the fact that I was having a baby with my husband, the man I’m so head over heels in love with.
Then things took a totally different turn. We miscarried. I was heartbroken, literally. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. So many thoughts went through my mind. Why did God take our precious baby away? What did we do to deserve this? Haven’t we been good and faithful servants? Why would God place this desire in my heart, just for it to be taken away? I didn’t want to go down that dark road. I refused. I brushed it off and thought God is still good, we’ll just try again. Michael and I fasted and Prayed and decided to try again. When we miscarried again for the second time, I completely lost it. I became so angry with God. I didn’t understand and to make matters worse, the medicine they gave me to help ” pass the baby” made me so sick. It also gave me a weird side effect where I experienced dizzy spells daily for like three months. Not only was I grieving but I felt as if God was punishing me.
I’ll be completely honest instead of drawing closer to God I drew far away. I knew God loved me, I knew he had a plan, but this was just too much for my heart to handle. It seemed like everyone around me was either getting pregnant or having babies. As much as I wanted to be happy for them, my heart just wouldn’t let me. I was slowly slipping into depression and had no idea. I remember one day my mother in law was over at our house and she pulled me aside and said, “I think you’re depressed.” I was so mad at first and quickly tried shutting that down. She told me she recognized what depression looks like because she experienced it when he mother passed away. Days went by and I couldn’t stop thinking about what my mother in law said. Then I finally admitted it I was experiencing depression. I was crushed. How did I get here? What am I doing to myself? I’m a Christian woman. I’m not supposed to experience that. The truth is, I’m human and just because I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I’m not going to go through anything. I’m not exempt from trials and tribulations. The bible tells us we’re going to go through trials and tribulations, Jesus doesn’t promise us a life free of troubles. He does promise to be with us. You see while I was going through my storm, he was there with me all along, just like he was there for peter when the boat was sinking.
Matthew 14:29 “Lord, if it is You,” Peter replied, “command me to come to You on the water.” 29 “Come”, said Jesus. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water, and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the strength of the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”…
I was sinking, and just like Peter, I cried out to the Lord to save me, but had no faith in him. I sunk deeper and deeper into my depression that anxiety followed and then panic attacks set in. I was so deep in my thoughts and worries that I let them consume me. I listened to all the doubts in my head that I would never become a mother, I could never give my husband a child, that I’m not a real woman because I couldn’t give my husband a child. All of those thoughts came from the enemy and I knew better than to listen, but sometimes when the storm is so loud and you’re so focused on the storm, you can’t hear Jesus crying out for you. And that’s exactly what happened.
God had to work on me; He needed me to trust him. For an entire year I feared getting pregnant and tried everything possible to avoid getting pregnant. We went to a fertility clinic just to be told, “we couldn’t find anything wrong, and you’re perfectly healthy!” On one end I was extremely relived, but on the other hand I wanted them to find something to justify why I went through this horrible thing called “miscarriage,” twice. When I didn’t get the answers I was looking for I became so obsessed with trying to find a reason. I knew God was good, but I didn’t understand this part of my life. I could have lost my mind, but God wasn’t about to allow that to happen. I’m his child and He loves me.
After avoiding getting pregnant for a year, I remember Michael asking me, “Babe when are we going to try this again?” I stayed quiet; I didn’t know what to tell him. I wanted so badly to give my husband a child but I couldn’t bare the thought of loosing another child. I remember sharing my fears with my hubby and he did what a God-fearing husband should. He told me that I couldn’t hide from this forever, that eventually I would have to face my fears. He was right. I had been running from this for an entire year, taking everything into my own hands, and leaving God completely out. I had to make a decision, was I going to let the enemy take over my life or was I finally going to give this to God. I asked myself what’s the worse that could happen? Another miscarriage? Well, had been there done that. And guess what, God will be there with me again. I had to trust him completely with my body and future. When hubby and I decided to try again I truly was at peace. I gave it to God and said “God whatever happens, you’re in control, but whatever happens please give me strength.”
A month later we found out were pregnant after initially trying again and I was excited but I could tell I was reserved. I tried not to get overly happy, but then again I wanted to trust God. Hubby and I went over to my in-laws to pray with my father in law and tell them the great news. We then told my family as well so that we could all be on one accord and in prayer. I was scared but I knew with an army behind us praying, the Lord was going to hear our cry.
Fast forward 9 months later and we are patiently awaiting the arrival of our baby girl. This journey has not been easy. There have been times where I’ve doubted and cried out the Lord. Each time I made it through another week of pregnancy I said to myself “almost there, just a little more!” But what I’ve learned is that if you truly give it to God, He WILL answer your prayers and get you through whatever fear you have. The bible tells us that fear is not a spirit of the Lord, but of the enemy. So I knew where my fear was coming from and I had to let it go and trust in God no matter what the outcome was. I’m glad I stopped trying to figure it out on my own and leaned on God to get me through.
For all my mommas out there struggling to get pregnant or have experienced loss, trust in the Lord. I know it seems so hard to do when all you want is to become a mother, but he has given you that desire. Whether he decides to bless you with a child in your womb, or through adoption, trust in Him always. His plans are good.
Feeling my baby girl move around in my stomach is a reminder of how good the Lord is and how faithful He is. I never would have made it this far without him. I still would have been trying to handle this on my own. My daughter will know just how much she’s loved and how much we prayed for her. When she’s old enough to understand, I plan on telling her all about our struggles to finally have her and hold her. She will love the Lord and know Him. To my baby girl Aria, Mommy loves you so much and I’d go through this journey a thousand times just to have you.
I pray for all of you mommas out there dealing with struggles of having a baby. I too was there and one day you’ll be saying the same while holding your precious baby in your arms.