“I’m 99% sure you’re having a miscarriage,” that phrase will haunt me for the rest of my life. That’s not what any expectant mother wants to hear, EVER. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I broke down immediately and handed my husband the phone. We got off the phone with the doctor and I just broke down. I felt so angry, sad, confused, shocked, all that and more. I instantly became angry with God and kept screaming out “Why God? Why God?’ This was supposed to be a time of joy and it instantly turned into one of the hardest moments of my life. I consider myself a strong person, but this… this was way too much for my heart to handle. I just wanted to go to heaven to meet my baby. I couldn’t understand why this joyous moment was instantly taken from us.
The moment I found out we were pregnant I screamed tears of joy and cried out “thank you Jesus, hallelujah!” I wasn’t expecting to be pregnant and took the test at home while my husband was on his way home from work. The day before we found out we were pregnant, God confirmed this pregnancy before I even knew or had a clue. We were praying at church and I felt the Holy Spirit take over my body and an image of a baby popped in my head and I was overwhelmed with emotions. As we were done praying, I turned to Michael and smiled. I said, “Babe, God just confirmed we’re having a baby and our baby is beautiful!” We both just smiled and hugged each other. Little did I know I was already pregnant. Over the last few weeks I had been having this weird sensation in my throat. I thought it was allergies so I went to go see my ENT doctor. He told me I was having acid reflux problems and to take tums to soothe it. I did that for about a week and still nothing. I thought, let me just rule out pregnancy even though I know this is not what’s wrong with me. As I sat there two little pink lines appeared on the pregnancy test almost immediately. I couldn’t believe it. I had to text my friend Danielle to double check I wasn’t going crazy. She text “OMG, OMG, OMG YOU’RE PREGNANT!” I started crying, fell to my knees and thanked God. A precious gift was growing inside of me. I had to quickly think of a way to tell my husband. I was so scattered brain! I ran out of the house telling my mother in law I had to get something from the store. On my way I passed my good friend Giselle’s job so I just ran into her job as she was heading out and told her the good news. She screamed and we both had the biggest smile on our face. We headed to Babies R Us to try and figure out a way to tell Michael. I grabbed a bib that said 50% mom 50% dad and 100% cute. I ran to Target to grab a digital pregnancy test. Giselle had to buy me water because I had already taken so many pregnancy tests just to confirm. It finally came up. The word “pregnant” appeared and it made it even more real. Michael got home and needed to go to the store. We went to Walgreens and I told him in the parking lot that I had a gift for him for being so mean to him yesterday ( I really was being a brat, but I blame it on the hormones!) He couldn’t believe it. He was so confused at first then saw the pregnancy test and just kept saying “Are you serious? Are you serious?” I said, “I’m so serious babe, we’re having a baby!” We just hugged, smiled, and kissed each other.
The moment we told our family, they were so excited. It’s a moment everyone had been waiting on. Little did we all know that his moment would soon come to an end. My sister’s reaction was the most emotional. She cried so much! It was a beautiful moment. We bought a picture frame that said “Coming soon” We wrapped it and gave it to his parents and sister first. They were so happy and shocked. Then we went over to my parents and everyone went nuts, especially my sister Samantha. We’ve all had such a rough beginning of the year and this was supposed to be a blessing in disguise, a fresh start for everyone, a new beginning.
I wanted to wait to tell the rest of the family and friends until our first sonogram. Michael and I were so excited we even asked my doctor bump up our appointment by one week. The excitement to see our baby was too much for us to handle. We got there and couldn’t wait to see our baby’s heartbeat on the monitor. Everything was going fine, until the doctor got really quiet. He sat me up and said he didn’t see what he expected to see and couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat. I got teary eyed and almost broke down, but I wanted to stay optimistic. Plus I knew that God had already confirmed this pregnancy so I had nothing to worry about. He told me to get blood work done to check my HCG levels. I had test my levels again in two days. Then I got that dreadful call on Saturday. “Steph, I’m so sorry to tell you this, but I ‘m 99% sure you’re having a miscarriage.” I thought NO, he’s wrong this can’t be! I handed the phone to my husband. I felt so numb. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard in entire life. I felt empty, completely empty. To know I wouldn’t’ be holding my baby in April Like I had thought completely tore me up. I’m not going to lie, this is going to take a very long time for me to heal. I’m not even close. Even though I instantly blamed God, I know He didn’t want this either. God didn’t want me to loose my baby. He’s the only one that knows why this happened. I prayed for a healthy baby, and maybe this just wasn’t it.
I didn’t want to see my baby pass. That was just too much emotionally for me. I decided to have a D&C. When they called to give me instructions, I broke down. I broke down so hard that my mother in law had to come in the room and just hold me. I let it all out. I cried so hard. I went in the next day to have surgery. I was so sick to my stomach. I couldn’t believe I was going to the hospital to have a D&C. They were going take out my pregnancy. I wanted to run out of there so fast. I thought I would be coming here in 7 months to deliver my baby, not to remove it and go home empty handed. We even double checked with another sonogram and still nothing.
When I was starting to wake up from surgery the nurse asked me how I was feeling. I just replied “sad,” and just broke down. My husband and mother came into the room and I was balling. I kept yelling out “I’m not pregnant anymore!” Everyone was trying to be encouraging as much as possible, but this pain is just too much. The nurse came back and made all the difference. Looking back, I know for a fact that was God talking to me through her. She said, “honey you’re going to be okay. I got emotional and had to step out seeing you like that because I was once where you are. I actually had to go through this twice. And you know what, you’re going to become a mother. I now have two beautiful children!” She just kept talking with me and encouraging me. As she wheeled me out to the car, I gave her the biggest hug with so much embrace. In that moment I felt peace. It’s finally healing time. I know I will become a mother one day and although I’ll never forget this baby I know I will heal. I decided to share my story because I want to let any woman out there that’s currently going though this or that has been through this before, it’s okay to feel pain, hurt, cry, scream, yell, and even be mad at God. It’s all normal. God loves you anyways and will not leave your side. He hasn’t left mine and I need him more than ever right now. I just want to let you know you’re not alone. I’m with you, and most importantly, God is with you.
To my precious angel in heaven, Mommy loves you so much baby and one day I will hold you and tell you how much I love you.