Wow. I can’t believe it’s been four whole years since I’ve written a blog post. So much has happened. So much pain, a lot of uncertainty, and a whole lot of crying and praying! The Lord has been tugging on my heart to come back to where it all started for me, the blog. I started this blog in 2014 I believe, shortly after I got married as an outlet while I navigated being a newly wed which at the time felt so lonely! I was the only “young” married person I knew and I didn’t feel like I had anyone to talk to. This blog grew into something so beautiful, so personal, and it definitely helped grow my faith. So I’m back and it feels GOOOOOOD! Let’s dig in. There’s a lot to unpack these last four years!
So we had our second princess, Alina that was born with a heart defect called Severe pulmonary stenosis. Pulmonary stenosis is a heart condition where the valve that lets blood flow from the heart to the lungs is narrowed, making the heart work harder to pump blood through. Shortly after giving birth, I instantly knew something wasn’t right. She looked up at me with those beautiful brown eyes as if she was trying to tell me “mama, something isn’t right,” I didn’t hear her cry, I didn’t even feel her breathing. It was as if she was holding her breath. While they were working on her, they tried to reassure me she was fine but this mama heart knew something wasn’t right. She was wheeled off to NICU and I had to wait hours before I could see my baby. Then when I finally was able to be wheeled down to see her, right when I entered the room and touched her…machines started going off and the doctors and nurses rushed in and yelled at my husband to get me out of there. Alina coded. I held my breath, my husband and I cried and we called my father in law to pray with us. We prayed and waited what felt like an eternity before they came into the waiting room to say she was breathing again and stable. As I walked back in I cried so hard and begged God to heal my baby. She had to be transferred to Children’s Dallas where we spent 18 agonizing days in the cardiac ICU and she coded a few more times. To say I was drained mentally, physically, and emotionally is an understatement. BUT GOD! He healed my baby girl! She had a minimal non-invasive surgery where they went in through her groin and went with a balloon catheter to open up that artery. We went home on heart meds for 6 months and today I can proudly say Alina is healthy and whole and you would have never known she ever had any issues. We see her cardiologist once a year and she has zero restrictions, zero medications needed, and is like any other 4 year old! Oh so sassy I might add!
I saw God’s faithfulness, his goodness, and I fought like crazy to keep my faith during that time, but if I was completely honest…I was done having children. After what we endured for 18 days in the cardiac ICU, I endured what no mother should have. The pain was so traumatic that I did not want anymore children. But God had other plans……
January 2023, after a quick weekend getaway to L.A., my husband and I found out we were expecting baby number 3! I remember feeling flushed in the face and completely shocked. We were not trying to have a baby at all and given my history of miscarriages and infertility issues, it was even more shocking!
Ayla Michelle was born September 30th, 2023 and we were overjoyed! We couldn’t believe it! She was perfect. We prayed so hard that this time it would be different. That we could finally take our newborn baby home straight from the hospital like we did with our first baby, Aria. We didn’t want another scare and definitely not another Children’s Hospital stay. And for 24 hours we got that. I look back at pictures of myself holding Ayla and I wish I could go back and hug myself in those pictures and whisper to myself “You’re about embark on one of the hardest most draining roller coaster rides of your life, but God will remain with you, so hold on tight.” I get teary eyed every time I think about it. I had no clue what was to come and there was no way I could ever be prepared. Not even Alina’s short hospital stay and minimal after care could have prepared me for this.
24 hours had passed, and Ayla still had not passed her meconium poop which is what all babies usually pass within the first 24-48 hours. Right after I had her, she latched right on and fed like a champ. Then she slowly started refusing to eat and started spitting up. At first her spit up was dark and brown and they said she may have swallowed amniotic fluid and that it was normal. But there went my mother’s instincts again. I felt like something wasn’t right. Her spit up became more frequent and then it turned green. Each time I tried to show a nurse they kept saying the same thing, that it was probably amniotic fluid and that she was fine. It wasn’t until the pediatrician came in to check on her, that things changed. Something told me (probably the holy spirit) to save the spit up on a burp cloth and show the doctor when she came in. She came in and took one look at the burp cloth and said these dreadful words….”We have to take her down to the NICU immediately.” Something about the way she said it and how quickly she said it made my stomach drop. I thought, oh no, here we go again! She could see and sense the fear in my voice and my facial expressions so she tried to reassure me it was protocol and that she will be okay and not to worry. She didn’t know me. She didn’t know my history, and she didn’t know who she was talking to! Worry, fear, and trauma was all I knew when it came to having kids! They wheeled her off to NICU and I was right behind her. (In a wheel chair pushed by hubby of course lol.)
We got to NICU and honestly it was all a blur. I remember them hooking her up to all kinds of machines and getting her stabilized. They put what’s called an NG tube down her nose all the way to her stomach to slowly suck up any remaining bile she had in her stomach. I wasn’t in there for that part, they made me walk out and I remember being a hot mess express. I instantly became emotional and honestly, I also was in shock because I couldn’t believe we were going through this again. I thought to myself…”Why God? This time was supposed to be different. This time we weren’t supposed to have any issues or surprises. We were supposed to go straight home from the hospital with our baby. You promised GOD! WHY!!!!!!” I’m getting emotional just thinking about it because I was so vulnerable and all I could do was cry and ask why.
5 Days. 5 Days later we finally got an answer as to what was wrong with our baby. They took a biopsy from her bottom (something we also were not in the room for and couldn’t be because they had to slightly numb her bottom for) and the results came back. Finally after 5 agonizing days of waiting and trying to figure out what was wrong with our baby, they had a diagnosis. She has Hirschsprung’s disease. Hirschsprung’s disease is a condition present at birth where part of the large intestine lacks the nerves (ganglion cells) needed to move stool through the bowel, causing severe constipation or intestinal blockage.
Then the next dreaded words came from the doctor’s mouth. “We need to transfer her to Children’s and she needs to have surgery first thing tomorrow morning.” Not only would my baby have to be transferred to Children’s, but she needed surgery asap? I was too stunned to speak. I went numb. The doctor’s voice started fading slowly and I was in sheer panic trying to process everything. God Why? I just kept asking that over and over. Why us? Why our baby? What did we do to deserve this? He didn’t immediately answer this nor did he give me a direct answer, but He did give me peace beyond understanding that I would later understand a year and half later. (I’ll come back to this)
The paramedics arrived to transport Ayla. I would ride in the ambulance with her and my husband would follow behind us in his car. As the paramedics were getting everything ready, Ayla projectile vomited green bile everywhere. I mean everywhere. I froze for a second. I couldn’t believe much came out of her tiny little body. The nurses cleaned her up and the paramedic said “Well glad she got all that out before our ambulance ride.” I laughed just a little not sure if I was relieved as well or if I was laughing to keep from crying, or both.
We made it to Children’s Hospital. The ride over was slow and the driver was trying to talk to me and keep me calm. I can’t remember anything he said to be honest. We made it and we got out of the ambulance and they stared wheeling her to the NICU unit of Children’s. I remember one of the ambulance staff asked if I needed a wheel chair but I declined. Now why I thought I could walk around that big hospital after only given birth 5 DAYS ago I have no clue, but I think in that moment I didn’t want to have to wait for a wheelchair and loose sight of my baby. But ya girl was in PAIN walking through that hospital and trying to be super woman.
We made it to her room and they began hooking her up to all kinds of machines and getting her ready for an IV to get fluids and blood work since she was having surgery in the morning. We met so many people within seconds of being there and I can’t remember who everyone was, what they job was, or honestly what they said. It truly was a blur and trying to even remember that day even while writing this, is so fuzzy to me. I just remember so many nurses, staff and doctors coming to greet us and brief us on surgery for the next day…..
To be continued……
virtuouswomanblog.com 